It has been a while since I last wrote anything and now that I am here, it was really tough to start.
The reason I stopped by today was partly because I've been away for so long, and another reason could be that, I just want to let things out and do some reasoning here, right the moment I am writing this entry.
For the past many days, reaching months, I've been struggling to let myself out of expectation. I was literally bed ridden for being too weak to face this world. Literally, dying as my heart slowly darkened over the tests Allah has put me through. If only I could write it all, on how hard it was for me to open my eyes again, maybe it could be a great lesson for the future me to not let myself fall into the trap again, was my thoughts. How I struggled, to get out from the grip of my own faults. Things became so uncontrollable, I was really feeling like I was at the edge of a hill where with just another step backward, I would have definitely fall.
Allah saved me. HE saved me for sure though I didn't know how. Because the only thing that I remembered after all that was, I was listing on simple things to do in my diary which I wrote as, "My daily Heart and Mind Treatment'. There are reminders everyday on my phone which said, "Go for treatment" and I, slowly, somehow, interestingly were getting back my colour.
I talked to my brother about it. I told him, "It was really difficult. I felt like Allah really want to fail me in this life..."
But he said something really convincing and soothing to me, "Allah is the Most Forgiving of All..."
With that sentence, there was a long silence in the atmosphere. I could not help but reflect myself.
My brother continued. "I envy you..." He made a confused statement.
I asked him, "What makes you said so...?"
"Allah really treasures you sister. From what I see, in every single thing that happened, despite the tears you have cried, despite the anger you have shown, despite the pain you have felt, in the end, you are lead to only one thing. It leads you to HIM..."
His words made me thought more deeply and seriously. It is true. So, true.
My brother continued, "You told me that day, remember? The day you were crying like there would be no tomorrow, saying things like, 'Why is it that you cannot get what you want?', 'Why is that you cannot live freely like others, doing whatever you feel like doing?'. You said you feel trapped...."
I nodded and nodded as he continued, "Fool. I really want to scold you, but since you are very emotionally unstable that day, how I restrained myself not to..." He confessed.
My brother told me that I should be grateful. Because I am actually trapped in Allah's love.
HE, the Most Loving of ALL, made me see nothing other than HIM. Whenever I try to look away, even an inch away, HE pulled me back towards HIM, without I realizing. HE actually guarded me quite strictly and I am the one who is very blind to not try to see and think deeply, the reasons behind all the hurdles I was facing.
HE showed me this world. HE showed me how pretty it is, from so many things around me. There are things, shoes, bags, clothes, house, cars, phone, laptop, money, jewellery. There are people, family, children, friends, strangers, lovers and all. There are appearances, tall, short, smart, good-looking, pretty, beautiful, cool, handsome, sweet and all. There are qualifications, rich, well-educated, degree, master and all. There are feelings, love, happiness, secure, comfortable and more. There are health and more. It would be a great lie if I say, I had no interest in any of the listed things above. Even not all, I have at least few things that I wanted to have from the list, few. And frankly, I was gifted with most of the things and despite that, I still want more.
That was why in my treatment list, one of it was to say 'Alhamdulillah' whenever possible. It is for me to see and open my eyes to things that were left unseen.
The greatest test I had was on 'Love' and 'Lovers'. Maybe because Allah knows how I see and wish this more than any other things. Okay, I'm not making up on things and I'm not dragging what had past. But it was and it is still, a lesson for me. A lesson that brought me to where I am now.
HE showed me love and how beautiful its existence in a human life. HE, for the first time, let me out of the safe zone HE had on me. HE let me explore and feel what I want to feel freely and this is where the test started. I envy others. I envy those who own love and so I want to own it too. Blindly letting my feelings go where it wants, I fall. And it was the most hurtful fall I've ever had. Because I was stubborn to stand again. Whining like a child, questioning when I shouldn't, that was how I lose myself. The expectation I had was too high but Allah let me expect more. HE drive me to the worst situation ever, and finally grab me when things has gone really tough on me.
When I finally wake up. 'Forgive me Ya Rabbi. Forgive me Ya Rabbi..." Only that came out of my mouth. Only that was echoing in my mind. I realized how blind I was. To believe that true lover is one that I love, when it is only ALLAH is the true lover. How blind I was, to believe that true happiness is the happiness in this world when it is the happiness in the world After.
Dwelling with this kind of trivial things when I should be doing something great to save the ummah. I didn't know. I was so childish, really.
Okay, let by gone be by gone. It's not that I'm saying you shouldn't go for worldly things. No, okay. That wasn't that. I was just saying that, If you are upset with not having anything from this world, anything that to you is pretty, do not feel down or started to feel so low about yourself (Reminder for myself). I've said many times in my previous entries. Allah knows what is the best for us. If he didn't give us what we are hoping for, it is always with the reason that, it is not the best thing for us. HE just LOVES us so much. SO much, so much so much so much,
The world is just a temporary place. We may feel discourage for a few moment, for many times. But as long as we know what is the real deal of this life, it shouldn't sadden us any more.
Be afraid of only ALLAH. Be afraid of losing HIS love, HIS attention, HIS mercy. Be afraid of HIM who is the Most Powerful of ALL. Be afraid that he may blind us from seeing the real thing. Afraid only of HIM. But have faith. Have faith on HIM, who is the MOST LOVING of all. The MOST MERCIFUL. Have faith that something better was long prepared for us. HE DO give happiness to us in this world so no worries. The only thing is that, world happiness, does not last. Nothing last. Only Allah do.
Till here, today. See you soon.
My brother wrote this poem:
For Allah is embracing her warmly,
As she is indeed a beauty,
Losing her to human and world is a pity,
When she is worth more than a happy fantasy.
Dedicated To: My elder sister. Who is being tested by Allah greatly. You are smiling but I could feel how hard it is for you now. But, I have great faith in Allah. That you will get something way more better, greater than this. I know I've said it many times that, 'It's okay....' and you must have been saying the same thing to yourself more than thousand times. You may cry. But my prayers will always be with you. Allah, would be by your side, closer than before to let you go through this. So, stand up and fight again. For world is pretty only to the eyes of human, but what is more important is that, what is more pretty to Allah. Allong FIGHTING!!! With lots of love and care and concern from me to you.