See To Feel

Greeting and peace be upon you readers. 

I sincerely believe that a little of introduction of me would be great since this is my first time writing in such an established site. A writer in nature and basically write on things related to my life, feelings and thoughts, that is me. Being offered to this so called 'part-time job', I doubted so much at first. Having so many things in mind, I dare not say 'Yes'. But here am I at last. Typing on the black keyboard, facing the white screen, and it was all for Allah, the One and Only.

Who am I to write on things when there are so many other people out there who are far more knowledgeable than I am? It is an undeniable truth that I am so lacking. But everyday, I'm learning and here am I now, sharing some of my stories. It may be out of your genre and it may never reaches your deepest heart but at least it did, to me.

See to feel. I remembered few days ago, I was crying and sobbing so uncontrollably by the balcony (So dramatic when I think about it now, definitely embarrassing) I wrote in my diary as tears filled the page, blurring my handwriting.

"Can't YOU pay a little more attention to me? Can't YOU care about me a little more than others?"

Well, I believe some of you may never encounter this kind of mix of feelings, but there are those who feel so small and bad about themselves out there frankly writing. Whenever, others are doing good things, running towards the path to Allah, some are struggling. Struggling to keep their feet on the path, not yet to start walking on it. With mistakes in the steps, they were dragged back into the ocean, drowning if they have no courage to fight it on.

Then come the inner whispers "Allah does no love you any more. HE is only protecting the good ones by using you. With all of your mistakes and sins, he would have give up on you. Do you feel HIM around? Do you feel HIM protecting you? No, so let's just stop believing..."

It is not something I made up. It happens. We are normal human and there is a limit to out thinking and sometimes, when things just don't go on our way, we throw tantrum every where. Sometimes, we feel down, thinking that we have done so much, at least to us, it took great effort to change but seeing others who are sprinting forward with ease, you feel left out, you feel so slow and you feel small. Then, you slow down, wanting to care less, tired of caring more. When you compare blindly, you'll end up in jealousy. If the jealousy give you motivation to catch up, that is no big deal. But jealousy with egoism, may end your effort to do good.

Why bother asking? Everyone, Allah loves us. (Lauging) You know sometimes some girls when they are disappointed and tired with life, they just blame it on their love ones. Saying things that they never meant it, like "You don't love me any more!" Just because they want to hear the word 'I love you'. (Such a complicated creature we are). Believe me, whenever I, idly or seriously asked Allah, "Do you actually love me?" He never fails to answer. He knows how I was always in need of that as motivation to keep fighting and Alhamdulillah, HE said it in very single seconds of my life with the condition, I have to see to feel it.

Try to see HIM in every single things that happened and you will feel HIS undying love towards us. How many times have you make mistakes and committed sins in your life? Uncountable? Well, then how many times have you wake up and realize that you are still alive? Everyday, until this morning right? That chances are never ending. So do HIS love and care. And HE never gives up on us, that is why we are still breathing now. See things around you and you'll feel HIS love for YOU. 

Never feel bad and small for not being good enough. It is not for us to decide on that and It doesn't matter how great your sacrifices or efforts you did, he never missed, he never overlooked as HE is the Greatest of all. It is okay to go slow. Allah knows best, He give HIS protection as much as we needed and having faith in HIM, walk friends. Even if it is a step forward a day, even if you took years, have Allah in mind, and every time the clock 'tick', InshaAllah, HE would bless you and love you even more. 

My last few sentences. I believe you are so often to hear this when examination is around the corner but this is not only applicable during worldly exam friends, but also to our daily life. Just take it as a friendly reminder. "It is the efforts that Allah wants to see and it is the efforts that are counted..." 

Sadly and urgently I would take my leave. My apology if what I wrote were not lining along to your very own thoughts and principle. I may be quite childish in my writing but that is what that makes me attach more to Allah. Pardon me if I said something unpleasant because all of the imperfection comes from us human who is never perfect and all the good things and perfection comes from Allahu Rabbi, The Greatest of All.

Anne ZR

Hope you all have a great time after reading the post.