In my previous post, I talked on 'When Life Gets Rough'.
If you have read that, you may (or may not) have the rough idea on how it is relating to this new post of mine.
I've been in darkness and was lost for so many times. Uncountable. But this one time was the worst of all. For the first time in my life I felt so lifeless. My view on life drastically changed to the extend that I asked my friend, "Is there happiness in this life?"
Despite being loved by Allah everyday, I could not bring myself to see that, to believe that, to live for that. I wake up everyday for the past one week, Instead of saying 'Alhamdulillah' like I used to, I ended up asking myself, 'How am I going to go through today?"
Because I kept on falling after more than thousand times trying, fighting and standing. I felt so tired. I wanted to sit for a while and that a while become a day. As I was preparing to stand, before I could properly stand, mistake pushed me down again and a day becomes a week. The tests are getting harder and I am only getting weaker.
I asked myself. "How long are you going to sit, Anne?"
"I don't know how to stand anymore...." I answered to myself
Happened to see this friend of mine whom one of her advice goes like "Write on three good things that happened to you everyday" Gathering my strength, I accepted her idea. "Okay, let's do it"
But, I had a headache afterward thinking on what I should write on my first day list ended up with only two. But on the next day, they were five good things that happened to me. (Alhamdulillah) And I can't wait to start my next day, to see what good things are going to happen. And today, when I looked back at the things I listed, everything brings me back to Allah again. In every good things that happened, I see Allah.And surprisingly, I almost forgotten that the past three days have been a tough and tiring day to me.
- Someone came and listen to me. (Through her, Allah replied to my dilemma)
- I somehow inspired to tell myself, "It's okay to smile Anne"
- It was a tough day with a difficult assignment due soon but strangely, I was never alone. There were friends around me wherever I go saying things like. "You can, we can" (Allah knows how I could not take it alone. How I need continuous motivation)
- Someone said to me 'You look pretty today" (Allah knows that makes my day)
- I didn't skip class (Allah made the class super interesting)
Appreciating this good feeling, it makes the 'sujud' in my prayer longer. It makes me want to strive harder, It makes me feel stronger. It's not that my problems disappeared. The problems were still there, queuing in mind but because I am seeing simple yet beautiful events that are happening at the same time, all the pain and problems are somehow bearable. Strange.
It was like, I was given a sweet after swallowing a bitter medicine. The medicine was never to hurt but heal me, making me stronger. It was bitter, but that sweet somehow, was given to make me forget the bitterness of the medicine I just took. Even if the bitter taste was still there, it was much tolerable.
Any hardships would not stand alone. Allah gives them together with the 'sweet'. So find it. See it.
And because of that. Again. I fall for HIM. Fall for His beautiful love and arrangements. Fall in love with His events. Fall in love with HIM the Most Loving.
The End for Now.
I've read that sometimes people purposely build a wall to see who bothers to break it. And in my case, when I build one, it was always Allah who bother and succeed in breaking it. As expected.
And when I purposely throw the key to the door of my heart, I thought the door can never be opened again. But you know what? Allah makes me open it from inside.
That;s all for tonight.
Sincerely written by:
p/s: May Allah showers us with His never ending blessings and mercy. Let's strive to change into a better person even if it takes years of trying and falling.
Pp/s: I burnt hour and hours writing this despite feeling sleepy, that is the bitter medicine. But having you reading this, that is the sweet. Rather than tiring, it was much more enjoying (Laughing, can't get enough cheesiness. It becomes a habit) Night!